On Not Suffocating Him In His Sleep...

Everyone who has ever had a long term boyfriend or husband (and maybe some one night stands... who knows?) has had to deal with the dilemma: Do I press the pillow down, or go sleep on the couch?

Yes, its plagued womankind since the dawn of time. Maybe its the logs he is sawing in his sleep. Maybe he's a jabber, kicker, poker, pincher, midnight groper. Maybe its the beer and sausage farts that wake you up with heartburn. Maybe its all the above. But at some point you either have, or will, battle the question: should I suffocate him now? Or bitch about it in the morning. Let's use my boyfriend as an example. We will call him "Z".

You can always practice tatical warfare. We have two blankets on the bed at all times. Not because it's cold, its because he's gassy. Sweeties, he farts so bad sometimes I wake up with incurable heartburn. I'm not going to take nexium every night in fear of him waking me up with heartburn. I'm going to fight dirty. We each take a blanket, hopefully his is tight around him and the copious amounts of dryer sheets I use will filter any bad smells emitting from the left side of the bed. When it does stink, I have been known to throw his blanket over his head. Sometimes the stink wakes him up. Sometimes he can't even tell. Once, he started dry heaving in his sleep, and I was merciful and removed the blanket from his face. BIG MISTAKE. I got heartburn almost instantly.

"Z" will also snore loud enough to wake the neighbors. He slept through all the major earthquakes in Southern California through the 80's til roughly 1996. He's slept through my sleepwalking, crashing things all over the house. He can sleep in the car and often does, while I drive long distances for both of our behalves. But everytime he shuts his eyes, that first SSSNNNNOOOORRRRKKKKHHHHH comes out and I know there goes my chances of a decent night sleep. I swear I was in Vietnam in my last life because I am a very light sleeper. Speaking of light versus deep sleepers, he will sleep through his alarm every morning, set a 6am. I don't have to be until 8, and oftentimes I can't fall asleep until 3 or 4 am because of "Z's" little quirks. But every morning at 6 am I lay there and count the beeps (300) before I wake him up. I am sure our neighbors LOVE that. And then I can't go back to sleep, no matter how hard I try. Coffee grinder, coffee pot, fridge slamming, shower, flush, flush, spray, flush, coughs, cat meows, and, well, you get the picture.

 While we're talking about this, let's not forget the time I had a root canal on one of my front teeth. That night, with mild narcotics barely taking the edge off, he rolls over and BAM! elbow into tooth. I sat bolt upright, and screamed, and he farted and turned over. I threw the blanket over his head that time. I now sleep "down" on the bed, out of way of havoc from his flailing upper limbs. But I still have to worry about knee jabs to the belly.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect either. I sleepwalk. I toss and turn, and I admit I may have snored once. But while I lay there awake, observing "Z" in his sleep, it just crosses my mind on the suffocation bit. I'm pretty sure he'd sleep right through it, not skipping a beat. The force of his diaphram would press through even a couch cushion. His inhale of the snore is like a cosmic black hole, and he would probably transport said suffocation apporatus into deep space.

While I have aired my grievences, I do not speak with "Z" about the suffocation debate. But I am sure if I did, he would have a comeback with a list of reasons why it would or wouldn't work. And then he'd have a list of reasons why he should to the same to me. But he knows about the blanket trick.

And, ladies, a little trick: if you tug the pillow he lays his head on ever so slowly and slightly, you can encourage his head to roll to the side in which his body usually follows. If you end up pulling the pillow all the way out, simply toss it on the floor on his side of the bed and claim he was tossing all night long IF you get questioned by it.

So, basically, even though I have thought of it, I vow I will not press down on the pillow I place over his head to muffle the snores. But I will continue with the blanket flipping.

Best wishes to you!